Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
