He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
