Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
