if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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