the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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