My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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