Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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