I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize