I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
