Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
