Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
