hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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