shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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