On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
