so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
