Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Come share oat with me in your robe
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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