a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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