thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
this will be a night to untag.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
