don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I need a beard to bite.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
