This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm passing your future prison.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
