i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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