I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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