well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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