If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Sext me about skeletons
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
