I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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