You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
