I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
