I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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