I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize