It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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