No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
