after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
