ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
