im holly from the hills drunk
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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