I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
