There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
