Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Another day, another engagement, another cat
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I think my nap took me to another dimension
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize