please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
