You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
