She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
