I CAN MOONWALK!
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
