I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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