so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
