I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
