He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
We left an ass print on the piano.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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