mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
