nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
