I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Randomize
