Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
