Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
