I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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