he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
