I think im going to throw up on grandma
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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