two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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