Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
