Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
