I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
