This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
