I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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