please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
